December 05, 2006

Lost in Longitude

These are the snippets I found written on my notebook throughout the trip.

Strength, it has nothing to fight against the beginning.
And everywhere you turn, the walls knock you down. It's to say you can't have access, or even you don't belong.
The others tapped, ever so gently. But you don't hear. Even if they crashed your world.
Look where you are now. Still at the beginning.

xxx

What if Snow White never ate the apple?
What if the prince never found her?
What if the frog didn't turn out to be a prince?
What if Cinderella didn't get to try the glass slippers?
What if Aladdin didn't have any magical carpet?

What if I never fell in love with you?
What if I can't stop loving you?
What if I don't want to?
What if you don't love me anymore but I still love you?

What if the world keeps spinning but time has stopped?
What if forever came and gone and we didn't even know it?

What if you were with me on this flight?
What if this flight is bound for Chiang Mai and not Hong Kong?

What if none of these 'what if's would ever matter?

Where am I heading to?

xxx

So, I have come, I have seen and I may have felt small. But I felt no connection. Just the voices around me drowning me out. The speed of the camera shutters and the countdown before the flash. All in a language that is not mine to speak.

How futile this is. To stay and see all these. But I did feel like crying, whether for disappointment or relief, I do not know. I've said my prayers, asked for a purpose. But somehow, I'm not even sure this time, he will hear.

xxx

I just put down the book that I've started reading just before this trip. It's Meisen's book. God lent me the book.

I was on page 96.

Joan Didion told her daughter, 'You're safe. I'm here.'

Quintana asked, 'When do you have to leave?'

She replied, 'I would not leave until we could leave together.'

And then, I started to tear.

Words are real. Words are very powerful in, and in spite of, its simplicity.

It's a very powerful book. Absolutely sad and absolutely emotional. At this point in time, I really don't feel like finish reading it. Not because it makes me feel extremely sad. But because I'm afraid of what I'd not be able to read after I finished this book. Just like, why I cried in the last installment of LoTR. After this, there will be no more.

God, I thought Foer was sad enough. This one's speechlessly so. What's next?

xxx

1. I don't like the sound that this flight makes. It's very noisy. For three and half hours.

2. I'm getting paranoid about 2 persons of the same sex travelling together. No. Specifically, 2 guys travelling together. I keep wondering if they are gays. And more. I keep contemplating a conversation with them. And more. I keep thinking if I do strike up a conversation with them, maybe I should make it known that I'm a bisexual. Ridiculous. I'm seated on the same row on the plane with 2 guys now. I'm getting ridiculous.

3. I'm thinking of getting JJ Lin Jun Jie's album. Correction. I'm thinking of getting more of his songs. Mp3? Like his voice. At this point of my life, it's soothing and calming, his voice. And he's quite cute, actually. Just not my cuppa tea. Too boyish-looking.

4. I'm thinking of my virgin laptop at Wenn's house. Copper or orange? I had left the colour for my best friend to decide. One of the rare few surprises that I'm anticipating nowadays. I'm so looking forward to my new toy! Most expensive commodity I ever bought. One month's take-home pay.

5. A guy I haven't been contacting for the past 3 or 4 years texted me while I was in the mid of brunch chat with Kyn today. I knew him from IRC, maybe 7 years ago. He informed me he's getting married soon. I said I'd text him when I get back to Singapore. I'm just wondering if he's actually trying to invite me to his wedding. If he was, he didn't mention any such intention at all. If he's not, why would anyone text a person just to inform her that he's getting married? I mean, we weren't even like friends. Just well, IRC chatmates? I think I'd really text him tomorrow.

6. The song "Home" by Micheal Buble keeps ringing in my mind. Makes me feel like crying. Why have we ceased to be a part of each other's home?

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:11